Member Article

How feedback feels

According to a survey From LMA’s L.E.AD survey book, “Today’s workplace – Present realities…Future realities”, 2013.

The no 1 most important leadership skill is;

1. A good communicator who can provide feedback
2. Honest, trustworthy, ethical and fair
3. Understanding and a good listener
4. Compassionate, empathic and caring
5. Knowledgeable, competent and able to multi-task

The need for feedback

When you manage or supervise people, it is your responsibility to give them feedback on their behaviour both positive or negative.

A lot of people shy away from giving feedback, especially negative feedback, as they do not want to cause offence or upset.

When you are giving people feedback you are trying to improve their ability to do their job successfully.

Sometimes you do this by pointing out what they are doing well (a positive behaviour) so they can continue to do this. Other times you need to point out what wasn’t done so well (a negative behaviour) so they can change it.

Types of feedback

I have never met a person who minds giving positive feedback.

Now negative (or developmental) feedback is a whole other ball game. Nobody likes giving that. It is such an awkward, uncomfortable conversation to have for everyone involved. You have no idea how the person will react to the negative feedback or if it will affect your relationship with them long term.

There are very genuine challenges when giving negative feedback. They include;

• Giving feedback to someone in work who you consider a friend as well as a colleague

• Not wanting to appear overly tough

• Not having the right words to say

• Fearing a bad reaction

• It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved

Unfortunately because of these real obstacles, the speaker’s goal is often just to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. The person giving the feedback, very often gives vague, general, mixed message type feedback in the hope of not hurting the other person feelings. The conversation then turns into a very negative experience for both people.

Do we really need to give negative feedback?

If it is so uncomfortable for everyone involved, why do we have to give it at all? I mean if it’s going to upset the other person maybe it’s best not to say anything?

I am afraid Jo and Harry would disagree.

American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in the 1950’s, developed a concept called the Johari Window and this concept explains why we must give and receive feedback

The Johari Window:

The idea behind the Johari Window is we all have four selves or sides and each of these sides are either known or unknown to us or to others.

Public: Something you know about yourself and that others know about it too

Hidden: Something you know about yourself but others do not know about you

Unknown: Something you don’t know about yourself and others don’t know either (a hidden talent )

Blind-spot: Something you don’t know about yourself but others know , see and are impacted by it, possibly in negative way.

We must give and receive feedback because of our blind-spot.

Our Blind-spot is what is unknown by the person about him/herself but which others know. The person doesn’t see it themselves but others see it and are impacted by it.

We must be told of any behaviour positive or negative we are not aware of that is impacting others because it will ultimately impact us and our ability to be sucessful in our careers.

Surprise!

Because most of the time the feedback we receive is in our blind spot. It tends to come as a surprise to us.

A good surprise – We are told of strengths we are not aware of that others admire.

A bad surprise- We are told a behaviour of ours is negatively impacting other people and causing them to view us in a negative light.

How Feedback Feels

Receiving feedback triggers us emotionally therefore it must be emotionally processed.

This emotional process is often referred to as SARA

SARA stands for Shock, Anger, Resistance and Acceptance.

1. Shock: This is probably genuinely brand new information to the listener. Keeping in mind the feedback is based on something in someone’s blind spot the first reaction they are going to have is shock, especially if what they hear is unexpected or contradicts their own views of themselves. When people are experiencing shock, they may say things like, “What? I don’t understand”

2. Anger: As the listener realises what the feedback means, shock can turn into anger. At that moment the person receiving the feedback feels very exposed and uncertain. During the anger stage, people may say things like, “Who said this anyway?!”

3. Resistance: If feedback indicates the need for change, the listener may experience a period of resistance. Change can be difficult, or at least uncomfortable. Resistance is where they explain, blame and excuse. They brush off, deny and condemn. In truth, they do anything and everything to resist the change. When experiencing resistance, people may say, “That’s just the way I am, take it or leave it,” or “That’s just my personality, they are too sensitive”.

4. Acceptance: Finally, as the listener processes the feedback, they come to a point of acceptance, which leaves them at a better, more aware place than they started. When an individual is finally accepting their feedback, you may hear them say, “What can I do to improve?” or “How can I best use this feedback?”

People need to go through these four stages before they are able to use the feedback effectively to make improvements in their lives.

Straight to Acceptance

Critical or unexpected feedback can leave someone in shock, anger and possibly resistant to change for days, weeks- or longer.

The problem is, as the person giving the feedback, you want acceptance straight away. You don’t want someone processing their shock, anger or resistance with you. It’s uncomfortable to watch somone go through those emotions.

You must allow the person you are giving feedback to have their feelings. They are allowed to be shocked, angry and even resistant. They are allowed to look for explanation and understanding. That is all they are doing.

The tight rope of empathy and authority you must walk as the speaker in this interaction is difficult to master. If your feedback has proper evidence behind it you should be able to move someone from shock to acceptance. If your feedback is vague, general and without evidence, then your listener may get stuck in one of the phases longer then you hoped.

The goal of good feedback is to try and move someone through this SARA process as easily as possible.

Emma Ledden is the author of The Communication Book.

This was posted in Bdaily's Members' News section by Emma Ledden .